hands on/ass lube

why all the posts? you may be wondering. well, for the past two nights we've been staying in Hands On headquarters in Biloxi, and one of the amenities in this awesome place is the internet. whoo! there are 5 communal computers, plus wireless. not to mention an incredible atmosphere with tons of cool people. jeff describes it a bit in the bike & build blog. this is definitely a welcome change from our previous digs at the ant-infested camp christian--i actually woke up in the middle of the night because i felt ants crawling on me. eeeew.

but alas, it is late and i must get to bed soon--5 a.m. wake-up tomorrow! and then 90 miles to n'awlins. i wanted to take this chance, though, to share a link to some other blogs, and also briefly discuss ass lube.

here, matthew shares a hilarious story about his ass lube. ass lube?! (or, to be more family-friendly, butt cream?!) i know, it seems gross, but when your ass is in sweaty bike shorts on a saddle for hours on end, it helps to have something that prevents chafing. also instructive is t.c.'s discussion of it here, in the post where he documents his 600km ride (that's 343 miles! and i was nervous about 106...) to qualify him for the paris-brest-paris. first, i must explain that the chamois (pronounced "shammy") is the padded, slightly diaper-like part on actual bike shorts. it's super-sexy, trust me. and now to quote t.c.:

Saturday June 9. Up at 4:45. Showered. Sunscreen and ointments. Registration. Breakfast. Chatted. Stretched. At 6am the 16 or so of us were off.
[...]
I reapplied the ointment… Ok. I have been less than forward with you until this point, but we must discuss the reality of the leather chamois. It is mandatory that the padding in my shorts be greased in some fashion, to prevent chaffing, so I apply petroleum jelly to them as well as my ‘sit bones’ and other sensitive parts. Hey, if slathering my ass with Vaseline makes me less of a red blooded hetero male, then… uh, well… well it just DOSEN’T ok?

and here is the comment i left for t.c.:

oh, tc, as soon as you said "sunscreen and ointments," i knew you were talking about ass lube.

bike & build recommends against vaseline, actually, since it's harder to wash off youself and your chamois. (i have an inappropriate comment that i'm dying, just dying to add, but i don't want to tarnish your blog. maybe i'll put it on mine someday.) most of our riders use Chamois Butt'r, which has a downright adorable logo.

oh, oh, and lest you think i'm only here to talk about ass lube, congratulations!

my inappropriate comment, of course, is that vaseline is oil-based. so beware: during any post-ride victory butt-fucking that may occur, the condom is more likely to break. < /public service announcement>

i would also like to note that, though i typically only apply in the morning, i applied ass lube on four separate occasions during our 106-mile ride. one of these happened on the side of route 90: i spied an alabama license plate, stopped to pick it up, and decided to reapply. as i stood a few feet from the shoulder with my hand down the back of my pants, a passing motorist honked, i can only assume out of sheer joy. the same thing happened two days ago, when i removed my raincoat while riding. (have i told you i finally mastered hands-free riding on sancho? WELL I HAVE!) i think that driver was hoping for more stripping...